Vy’s Story

Vy H.

What does depression look like for you?

Depression to me looks like a person who has had hope and had control in their life, but has somehow lost themselves in an endless hole of hopelessness. It looks like someone who sits and stares into space or just cries constantly by themselves, and not knowing really exactly why they are feeling this specific way. Depression is not just a clinical diagnosis, it’s a common feeling that every person has felt in different ranges in their daily life.

Have you been touched, or do you know someone who has been touched, by depression or other mental disorder?

I have actually gone through depression within my life. Their have been moments in my life, where I had no control of how I felt, I just felt that certain way. I felt pathetic, worthless, unwanted, not good enough, negative. I would question if I was the cause for the things that happened and if it wasn’t me then would it have been better. I have and still sometimes do go through depression from time to time, but there was two times where it has impacted my life the most. One of the cases was due to bullying, and the other was because of teenage dating abuse.In the case of being bullied, I was first bullied at a young age around 10 years old, when I first learned that not everyone you know will like you as a person or as a friend. The person might act like they like you, but it doesn’t mean that they do. Coming from that lesson, it was hard to really trust anyone ever again, but I gave it another shot. I began to make friends again, and even started liking someone around freshman year of high school. Everything went well, till I started getting cyberbullied. Cyber bullying to some people may be a joke, but to the victims who experience it, its different. My whole world really fell apart. My friends I thought were friends, turned against me and never once helped or aided me. People would have pictures saying, “Kill Vy. Vy should be dead.” it would be publicized as their Facebook profile picture. It really got to the point that I couldn’t handle it anymore, I thought about drowning myself, ending my life. I felt hopeless. I felt no one loved me or liked me. I couldn’t wrap around the fact that people hated me. I didn’t understand why people hated me so much they wanted to say the wanted me dead. It continued for days and days, and sooner or later it started effecting me in school, one day I kept crying every class period till around 4th period did my teacher realized there was something wrong with me. He asked if I was okay, and I answered that I wasn’t. He dismissed classed, and spoke to me afterwards and took me to the counselor. When he spoke to me, I felt relieved, I felt that someone does care. I went to the counselor office, and spoke with my counselor. Although I knew she was trying to help me, I knew that she also thought what happened to me was stupid and that the whole situation itself was stupid. It was honestly really hard for me to talk about my situation because when I actually took a step back and heard everything I said, it was stupid. But it still hurt me a lot, and it effected me a lot. After talking to my counselor I removed myself from all social media and tried to find a new start.That was when I met my ex boyfriend. Someone I thought who would never come to harm or hurt me, but truly care and love me. But I was wrong. The relationship officially ended after 11 months, but it wasn’t over till 3 years after. Long story short, I was physically and emotionally abused. It started out as regular relationship, but then it just lead to playing games, manipulation, and constant negativity. I was lied to, cheated on, neglected, used, yelled at, been called a psycho, hit, and many more things. It got to the point that my whole world was turned around because of these few words, “I love you, but I don’t want to be in a serious relationship right now, but can you still be by my side and wait for me?” Those words put me through a state of anxiety and depression for three years. I never got help and I never asked for help. Just cause I was told by him, that everything I felt was stupid and wrong. Day by day, I would be told I was at fault, that I , that I was stupid, that I am the reason for everything that wrong in my life. Even though I had wanted to get out, he would physically harm myself and himself every time I tried to, and eventually I couldn’t put myself to leave him because I was worried for his own well being as a person. The relationship slowly started effecting my family as well, as my mom attempted to commit suicide because she saw I was being manipulated by him. This story really is to long for me to explain, but for the 3 years of my life with my ex, I found myself always sitting in a corner crying, full of anxiety, full of anger, not knowing what to do with my life. Even when I found something great in my life, he somehow always found a way to put me down with his negative words. I wanted to just leave, I wanted to have a new start. I wanted help, but I just couldn’t find the courage to do it. I was in a bottomless pothole alone. Even though I finally got the courage to leave the relationship, even till today I still remember every feeling I felt back then. I still am traumatized by everything. I still would have anxiety attacks and depression moods out of no where. I have gotten better, but looking back, it was really the most worst parts of my life.

Your meaningful message you would say to someone who is currently going through depression or other mental disorder:

One meaningful message that I would like to say to someone who is currently going through depression or other mental disorders, is that you are not alone in this unfair and difficult world, and to always have hope in the life and in the world that things will be okay. Even though I would want to tell someone who is depressed this message, I know it is hard to see and believe these things when you are depressed. It is hard to speak up because sometimes people don’t understand how you are feeling, or they have never been in your situation before and just don’t get it, or it may be because we are just afraid to be judged that we are feeling this way. Everyone situation is different, and a lot of things that are said can be contradictory, but in the end the most important thing, I feel, is that no one is ever alone. Even if you feel that you are alone, you are not alone. There is someone out there in this world who is wishing and hoping that you are okay. I am writing this, because I hope that whoever is feeling depressed to know that you are not alone. I may not know you, but I know that you have a purpose in life, and that you were given a life for a reason. I pray that you find the light and the hope you are looking for and the help from your loved ones because without the help of the people who cared for me, I probably would not have been here without them either.

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